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This is the second year that I’ve been working as a lecturer at The University of Newcastle while residing in Sydney…or rather, an outer suburb of Sydney. The first year, I managed to condense my teaching to two or three days in a row per week, and I would catch a train up north (about 2 hours and 45 minutes to campus), stay over with two friends in their apartment for one to two nights a week, and then head back down. The friends, however, moved to Sydney at the beginning of this year, and being really tired of the very long commute, my husband Justin and I moved to a Sydney suburb further north, which resulted in a shorter commute of an hour and a half (by car…and far enough up north that I don’t have to deal with traffic) for me and an hour’s commute by (crowded) train for Justin, who works at the University of Sydney. I like to joke that we moved so that we both now have equally hellish commutes.

In any case, commuting by car meant I had to make some changes. On the train, I could do work, and I frequently used the time to read articles for research, read the literary texts I was teaching in class, or simply write on my laptop. I contemplated doing the same thing while driving, but I get headaches when I read the car. Oh, yes: it also seemed rather dangerous. But even though the car undoubtedly has its perks (e.g., not having to deal with the inefficiencies of the New South Wales public transport system; not having to be disgusted at the fact that some passengers apparently think it acceptable to exit the train after leaving the remains of their Hungry Jack’s meal all over the seats), it has its drawbacks (the amount of gas/petrol it uses and the fact that one has to pay full attention while driving). And the thought of having to spend 3 hours each commuting day not doing anything ‘productive’ annoyed me to no end. I could be writing or preparing for class! I could be knitting sweaters for other people’s dogs, which I don’t do anyway, but might do if I had those three hours! I could be learning ballet, which I probably wouldn’t, but you never know! I could be participating in important conference calls with the new pope! You get the idea.

To commute: to travel between where one lives to where one works. To commute: also, to exchange something for another thing. One initiated another: I decided to exchange the written word for sound for the sake of ‘getting things done’ on the drive up, got myself a subscription to Audible, and began listening to audio books.

I certainly had considered audiobooks before, but only to dismiss them as a cop-out from ‘actual’ reading. I don’t know if it’s a type of snobbery that comes with being a literary academic, but to me it had always been of paramount importance to be able to read a text for one’s own self, to have the text in all its virgin purity before one, unmarked, and with pencil in hand, proceed to stake my claims, underlining, circling, adding commentary and cross-references. Even as an undergrad, when buying used books, I turned up my nose at the ones that had too much highlighting or underlines. I didn’t want to be influenced by someone else’s interpretations. I took and take great pride in reading texts ‘for myself’, and even in reading a text a second or third time and seeing what my self three years ago, five years ago, ten years ago, thought about a book in comparison to what my present self thinks about it now. How has my focus shifted? What new aspects of a poem or novel or story or essay interest me now?

As a ‘good’ postcolonialist, I know I should be on my guard against privileging print over orality, text-based cultures over ones in which histories and stories were passed down through spoken word. But is privileging a text read over a text read by someone else for me a similar kind of snobbery? Perhaps it is, in some way. What it is, certainly, is a fear of losing control of interpretive agency. But there is a pleasant aspect of losing control as well, as I’ve found. Having books I’ve always been meaning to get to be read to me, like they were when I was a child lolling lazily on a sofa in my father’s lap as he did the appropriate ‘voices’ for each character. I don’t know if this is something else I should be on my guard against. But I do like how I finally have time to do ‘fun’ reading–the reading I never get to do at the end the day because my eyes are so tired from looking at print for a living.

This is what I’ve read so far:

The Kite Runner

Gulliver’s Travels

The Old Man and the Sea

Nicholas Nickleby

The White Tiger

and currently, River of Smoke

I suppose I don’t mind being lazy for this stage of my life.

 

On Revisings

It’s been a season of revision: I’ve been spending the last few weeks revising an article on orangutans in two naturalists’ accounts of their trips to British Borneo, and I’m in the midst of revising some parts of my novel manuscript ‘The Oddfits’ at the request of my literary agent. I just resubmitted the orangutan article this morning (fingers crossed). And the revision for ‘The Oddfits’ will probably be an ongoing process until (and if) it gets published.

Writing things from scratch and rewriting things are each hard in their own ways. When you’re starting from scratch, you’re standing in the middle of a landscape, and you have to pick a destination from what you can see and what you already know and try to head towards it. The difficulty lies in narrowing the possibilities and fixing your route. When you’re rewriting, you’re travelling along a route you’ve already plodded, but you know it’s not the best route: you’ve gone through a grove of trees where you didn’t need to; or you realize that you should have headed through the hills–the hills are a necessary addition. But it’s hard to figure out where you should break away from the old footprints and where you should retrace your steps.

And rewriting, for me, always seems to take more time than I think it should. Part of the frustrating thing about rewriting, especially with academic articles, is that I feel it’s a step backwards somehow. I want to be plotting new routes to new destinations in different places. I don’t want to be going over this same old path again.

For the novel, it’s been a bit different. It’s been really pleasant to re-read it, to assure myself that I am really satisfied with it in so many ways, and to add more detail to certain parts. That’s my main task right now: adding detail to some portions that are more “lightly written” than others. I’m sure that more revision awaits in future stages on the road to publication. But right now, I quite like the process. And for some reason, I don’t feel like I’m going over old ground when I should be tromping off towards newer ones. This revision process feels more akin to caring for a loved one, tending to a garden, nurturing a friendship, crimping a pie crust.

Perhaps these different attitudes betray a lot about whether I am, by nature, suited for academia. I don’t think it means, necessarily, that I don’t belong to academia. But there are some people I know (and whom we read) whom it fits like a well-made glove. The way they operate and cogitate, the way they write (and the speed at which they write it!), the way they express themselves all point to people who belong to the profession, seem as if they were made for the profession. I don’t think everyone needs to be this way. A job can, after all, be just a job, and there are plenty of people who can do jobs well without feeling that the job fulfills some sort of existential calling. I do admire these people, but more and more, I’m beginning to feel that’s not the stuff I’m made of, and I’m trying to be content that it’s not and, instead of running screaming into the woods of existential job crisis in a fit of melodrama, come to terms with the possibility that it’s all right to keep doing academia since I’m fairly good at it, haven’t been booted out yet, and derive a fair amount of satisfaction from it.

 

 

 

 

Good news, everybody! A few days ago, I signed a contract with the literary agency who will be representing my novel, The Oddfits. Prior to the actual signing, there was other activity as well: they requested a brief author bio, a photo, and a synopsis for their catalogue, and one of the associates of the agency told me she found the novel very enjoyable to read…which was gratifying. But the past disappointments associated with this book, coupled with a melodramatic third-life crisis I appear to be going through as the result of turning 30 a few weeks ago (‘What the hell am I doing with my life? Is this the right career for me? Why have I only started asking this now?’) have left me quite fearful of hoping or dreaming, and a little tired of trying. We shall see what the future holds. I am also trying to be less ambitious and more content (‘What does the Lord require of you? Act justly, love mercy, walk humbly with your god’), less restless and more at peace. As part of this renewed quest for inner peace, I have bought a new houseplant, which I take great joy in staring at contemplatively.  

Salutations from Balikpapan–one of the major cities in the province of East Kalimantan, Indonesia. Some of my first blog entries were on being in Indonesia and doing fieldwork here. (Ah, memories!) But this time the fieldwork has reached phase two. I am armed now with more knowledge about the literary works being written here (compared to last year, which was pretty much ‘not any’), connections to helpful people active on the arts and literary scene, a digital recorder for interviews, a clear sense of what I need to dig up in the official province library, and a stronger sense of purpose. I even planned ahead: I booked hotels online, I let people know I was coming, and everyone seems really friendly and willing to help. And now I’m here, apart from the fact that I miss my husband something fierce, it’s all okay. It’s not as terrible as I feared it would be. In fact, it’s been pretty fun and very productive, apart from the spouse-missing. I’ve gotten to talk to a lot of really interesting people, and hope to make a large dent in the archival research component once I get to the capital city of the province, Samarinda.

It wasn’t always like this. The weeks leading up to this trip involved feeling consistently  anxious, reluctant, and unsettled. I don’t really know why. It’s probably a combination of having had to travel so much already during the past few months and really wanting to just indulge the strongly granny aspect of my personality and not meet new people or go to new places or try new things. I also came here directly from a conference on sustainability in Hiroshima, where I co-presented a paper with an environmental policy and management scholar from NUS–Dr Jesse Hastings. As it turns out, he’s my brother-in-law, and the paper we presented is one we’re in the process of submitting to journals. I was also terribly nervous about that: as someone whose work on the environment is more humanities-oriented, I was particularly worried about turning up at this conference and discovering it was a bunch of people in the hard sciences and the social sciences who would declare me a humanistic fraud and jeer at me. But again, it wasn’t as terrible as I suspected. It turned out that Jesse and I did know what the hell we were talking about, and we received a lot of compliments on our presentation.  

Of course, the conference wasn’t all sunshine and roses–the presentations were a mix of the really excellent all around, the poorly presented, the very boring, and the completely unrelated to sustainability. There were also parts of the conference where it felt like groupthink: everyone was vigorously agreeing with everyone else and being assured that their way of thinking was truly right. It’s these things that leave me wondering whether conferences are actually useful in terms of fostering real discussion. It’s probably just too exhausting to actually have a conference where heated debate and exchange take place (I know I feel pooped just as the prospect of such an event!). But all in all, the conference and the experience of presenting were not as horrible as I suspected they would be. Whether it was worth the hundreds of dollars I paid for conference registration fees and plane fares because I’m not entitled to conference travel funding under my current contract terms, I’m not so sure. But seriously, presenting turned out to be fun, and the conference was not bad.

It’s hardly ever as terrible as one suspects. This seems to have been consistently true for me regarding things I feel reluctant to do, but know I should do. As odd as it may seem, I think I take solace in this. It’s the slightly more pessimistic sounding version of the exhortions one finds throughout the Old and New Testament to trust in God and rest oneself spiritually instead of worrying oneself to bits about potential disastrous things that really can’t be averted by worrying at all.

Of course, I am fully aware that there are indeed very terrible things out there, and often things do happen that are indeed even more terrible than one ever imagined. For example, at the sustainability conference, several people’s presentations emphasised that there are not enough resources left and unless consumption is drastically reduced or the population stops growing, the world is headed for imminent collapse and chaos. That sounds very terrible.

Less terrible, but depressing nonetheless, job prospects for my kind (i.e., humanities academics) have been in a steady decline for the past few decades, with a sharp decline occurring around the onset of the global financial crisis. This is not necessarily very terrible per se, but I sort of wish I had steeled myself for it more, and I wish that it didn’t mean that so many of my good friends are having incredible difficulty finding employment.

Then again, it’s hard times like these when we may need platitudes more than ever. So pack up your troubles in your old kit bag and remember: it’s hardly ever as terrible as you suspect.

 

 

My husband and I alternate spending Christmas with my family in Singapore and his in the US. And it just so happened this year that the Annual MLA Convention and I converged in Boston, near where my in-laws live.

For those unfamiliar with the MLA and its conventions, MLA stands for the ‘Modern Language Association’ – a really massive organisation of scholars and teachers of literature and languages (mainly at the university-level and, it seems, more of literature than language). The annual get-togethers are equally massive, even though only a fraction of the members attend, and in addition to featuring the usual/conventional panels, talks, etc., they are also where universities often conduct job interviews. I am sure there are numerous individuals who thoroughly enjoy MLA. As you can tell from that sentence, I don’t. Perhaps it’s the negative emotional associations: the mingled elation and dread at seeing so many of us (‘I am part of a community!’ to ‘I am not a special snowflake!’), the fact that attending MLA in the past has meant dressing in an uncomfortable suit and struggling to impress at job interviews, the inevitable unsatisfying lattes one finds oneself trying to derive comfort from while sitting elbow-to-elbow and ear-to-ear with others of your ilk in a hotel lobby Starbucks, the despair and boredom and, of course, guilt (I’m supposed to be finding al of this fascinating!) instilled by a mediocre or ill-delivered presentation. And of course, there was the time when the conventions occurred between Christmas and New Year’s Day, so you could feel even more unsatisfied at being there.

You get the idea.

I went MLA for a day to see old friends and acquaintances from my grad school days at Berkeley. Many were interviewing for jobs (one of the only reasons to go to MLA), and a few others were presenting or just in the area. I initially intended to ignore the registration fee and simply gate-crash, but Aaron Bady (who has expressed his own far-from-gruntled sentiments about MLA much more eloquently than I) warned me that the previous year, MLA had hired people to stand outside rooms checking for badges. As I’m always the one who gets caught whenever she decides, for once in her life, to break the rules, I began contemplating buying a badge. Then Aaron referred gullible me to an online fake-MLA badge making site, which I was very excited about, until an attempt to use it produced hilarious, but decidedly unconvincing results.

fakeMLAbadge

I ended up purchasing a registration, grudgingly. And went to several panels that day to try to make myself feel that it had all been worth the money spent.

That evening, as several friends and I sat in a restaurant discussing the varying quality of panels and the general unpleasantness of MLA Conventions, someone brought up the fact that, over time, MLA was becoming less impersonal. It’s true. I spotted more individuals whom I recognized and presenters whose work I had read. If things continued to progress, I suppose one day we would be like the older academics in the audience at a discussion session I sat in earlier on Victorianists and Romanticists putting aside their differences and acknowledging the fuzziness of the boundaries drawn between their objects of study. It was one of the more entertaining MLA sessions I’ve attended. After five-minute “provocations” from well-known scholars in both fields, discussion was opened up to the audience. There were audience-members who responded with genteel eloquence and wit, and offhandedly referred to experts or other audience-members by first name. Other audience members seemed to know who they were. They sat in clusters and even made quiet jokes with other another during the session. They seemed to be on the inside. After countless years of being in academia, being involved in societies and organizations pertaining to their fields, attending MLA convention after convention year after year, they had finally arrived in white-haired splendour.

At least, that was how it felt to me then and after. If one thinks of the world of literary academia as a giant high school–the kind you see in movies where the cliques are clear-cut and seniors rule–then how comfortable you are and the number of people you know at the MLA convention functions as a marker of whether you’ve made it or not: if you’re still a gangly freshman or if you’ve finally made it through.

I was glad I got to see friends. But out of lingering disdain, I did burn my MLA badge afterwards in my in-laws’ fireplace. It gave me a little bit of satisfaction. Not much.

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The Sprig

The Sprig

Good news! A short poem I wrote has been published in Mascara Literary Review. It’s called ‘The Sprig’, and you can find it at the link above.

 

Here’s the first part:

The man in the photo is a green shoot of a man
a slim-waisted sprig
a pocket-watch spring…

 

Happy Christmas to everyone by the way.

We’re on the cusp.

So much has been happening, both pleasant (i.e., things listed below) and not-that-pleasant (e.g., grading students’ final assignments and tests). I think it best to write a review of the highlights of these past few weeks.

The Singapore Writers Festival

The decision to go to the Singapore Writers Festival was a somewhat last-minute one. But the literary agent I’ve been speaking with over the past few months about representing my novel encouraged me to go. I’d get to meet the other writers she represented, plus she told me I should start getting comfortable with thinking of myself as a ‘writer’. The whole experience turned out to be much more fun than I thought it would be. In addition to getting to spend time with my family (who lives in Singapore), I had the opportunity to reconnect with old acquaintances involved in the Singapore literary scene  as well as make some new ones, and attend a lot of interesting events. For example:

I got to chat for a short while with the Indonesian writer Ahmad Tohari.

Image

And I attended the launch for Boey Kim Cheng’s latest volume of poetry, Clear Brightness, at Books Actually. (Kim Cheng and I both teach at the same institution in Australia, so it was funny that we got to meet up in Singapore as well.)

And, I apparently have a literary agent for The Oddfits! She said that we’ll start working together at the end of January when a contract will be drawn up, etc. I’m a bit hesitant to state this publicly, since I’ve made the mistake before of announcing the imminent publication of The Oddfits, only to have complications ensure with the publisher. Maybe I’ll keep the name of the agent to myself right now. But my agent assured me that she definitely does want to work with me, so that’s good!

I even managed to get some closure regarding the non-publication of The Oddfits. I met up with the director of Ethos Books–the publishing house who’d initially agreed to publish it–and over our bowls of lor mee, we had a nice chat. He emphasized that it wasn’t because it was a bad novel, but rather, because they’d been quite swamped with other projects, and that publication with Ethos was still a possibility if I was interested. It was nice to get to talk about it rather than leave the whole issue in the land of awkwardness and bad feelings. I think for now, I’m still going with the agent. And we’ll see what unfolds.

A Short Story Published in Transnational Literature

Since getting the novel out of my system, I’ve been writing short stories. One of them has just come out in an online academic and creative writing journal called Transnational Literature. It’s called ‘Old Maid’ and you can find it here.

Another Year in Newcastle!

My contract has been renewed at Newcastle for at least another year! Another year of being a lecturer! I get to teach classes in world literature, Victorian literature, and some Asian literary works!

Preparing for Fieldwork in East Kalimantan

I’m planning to head to East Kalimantan in late January and early February to interview writers for my ongoing research project on contemporary literature in East Kalimantan. I’m a bit nervous about it, though I’m not entirely sure why. But it will be good. I am sure of it.